.
If you too are a person who is dealing with being too ‘nice’, and again lets just clarify that we mean not having the confidence to stand up for yourself, it can be easy to slip into aggressive behaviour.
I know, I know, that sounds like a massive contradiction but bear with me. There are many ways to communicate but in this article you will learn the difference between assertive, aggressive and passive communication.
.
1. Passive Communication
When you have a passive communication style, you don’t speak up for yourself, you avoid sharing your opinion, you don’t ask for what you want (certainly don’t insist) and easily give in to what other people want from you.
When you take this approach you are living in hope that people will give you what you want without you ever having to ask for it. Of course this doesn’t work and what happens? You get angry, and you let the other person know about it, right?
Wrong! That would be far too uncomfortable for a ‘nice’ person so it comes out as passive-aggressive.
See my post on ‘anger phobia‘
.
What is Passive-Aggressive?
When you react passive-aggressively, you get distant, give the silent treatment, you grumble and complain, sigh loudly, make sarcastic comments, stuff like that.
If they ask you what’s wrong, you answer “Nothing. I’m fine”.
If you’ve ever behaved this way (and if you’re reading this then you probably have), you’re probably not feeling good about yourself right now. In our culture this kind of response is not seen as very mature or adult. So I want to step in now and say being passive-aggressive doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It comes from fear. Fear of being rejected or abandoned, or any other imagined outcome of standing up for yourself.
When I first recognised this behaviour in myself I reacted badly: by over-compensating.
.
2. Aggressive Communication
When I say over-compensating, I mean jumping to the exact opposite end of the spectrum, “no more Mr. Nice Guy, I’m not gonna get pushed around any more- I’m gonna do the pushing”, something like that.
For me this would involve being loud, trying to dominate conversations and interrupt people, picking out someone who was clearly passive and trying to dominate them, of course this behaviour was exaggerated by the application of ‘Dutch courage’. I’m not proud to admit this to you but when I was over-compensating for being too nice, I acted like an arsehole. I have forgiven myself, I know now that I just didn’t have the tools I needed to be assertive.
.
3. Assertive Communication
The main difference between assertive, aggressive and passive communication is that an assertive communication style combines the best parts of the other two. Like the aggressive style, you know what you want and you are willing to go after it. But like the passive style, you care about what others want and you are willing to make compromises for the sake of having a good relationship.
This is of course the ideal situation, but as you know it’s not always possible to reach a win-win agreement.
This is the real difference between assertive, aggressive and passive communication; the ability to listen to the other person and acknowledge them.
.
DESC model for assertive communication
The DESC model is a common business acronym that is often applied to giving feedback, I like to use the DESC model for assertive communication.
Description– when you have identified something that you would like to change about a relationship, the first thing is to address it. Don’t be critical or aggressive, open a dialogue with the person; tell them what’s bothering you, listen to their response. This part is really important, people need to believe that they are being heard. Ask questions to show that you are listening and check that you understand.
Effect- share the impact of their behaviour or the current situation on you. How do you feel under the current circumstances? Don’t get defensive or blame the other person, they are not responsible for your feelings.
Solution- tell the other person your desired outcome. What would be the perfect situation? What exactly would you like to change? You need to find the courage to be direct and vulnerable here.
Conclusion- make an agreement on how to proceed in the future. Check your understanding of what has been agreed, and get commitment from the other person.
.
To put it in context, let’s look at an example situation and what you might say:
Let’s say a business contact is very slow in replying to your emails.
Description: “Hi, last week I sent you an email and you didn’t reply until a week later”.
“…I get that you have a lot on your plate right now, of course your stressed”
Effect: “…but when it takes you so long to reply, I feel like i’m being kept out of the loop and it’s hard for me to move forward”
Solution: “I’d really appreciate it if you could get back to me within 24 hours, even if it’s jut to let me know when you will have a concrete answer”
Conclusion: “How does that sound to you? Do you think you can do that?”
.
Assertive communication over Aggressive and Passive
While passive and aggressive forms of communication show a lack of control, there is a lot of power in being assertive. You can be more direct and clear, while showing empathy and understanding. You can stop beating about the bush and start getting straight to the point. When you achieve this you will become a much better communicator, you will have higher self-esteem and you will have better relationships.
Let me know about your experiences with assertiveness in the comments below.
