How connecting with your dark side can help you to gain confidence in business and in life
For me, one of the major things standing in the way of becoming a success in business is being too nice.
Now i’m not talking about saying please and thank you, being respectful to your colleagues, or adding pleasantries in the first line of your emails.
I’m talking about not standing up for yourself. Procrastinating decisions because you’re afraid of criticism and judgement. Not prioritising your own goals because you might be perceived as greedy or selfish. I’m going to share with you some things that have helped me gain confidence as an entrepreneur, but first…
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Shadow Psychology – connecting with your dark side
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To get to the heart of this I’m going to have to rewind a hundred and something years to two Austrian guys called Freud and Jung (I know they sound like a German folk duo but bear with me here). I’m referring of course to the renowned psychoanalysts who, among others, developed theories about shadow psychology. In a nutshell: even the nicest people have a dark side, queue asthmatic breathing and James Earl Jones talking through a megaphone. Dum, dum, da, dum…
We are conditioned by society, our upbringing, religions, whatever, to suppress the thoughts and feelings that are deemed inappropriate or uncivilised. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, if everyone was running around doing whatever they wanted, the world would be even more chaotic than it is already. But if we try to repress our darker urges, it can cause havoc in our internal world.
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Our brain is a complex product of our evolution.
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In his 1990 book ‘The Triune Brain in Evolution’, Paul D. MacLean talks about the three levels of the human brain. Obviously the reality isn’t so simple, but I think it’s a good model.
Basically, the oldest level, the reptilian brain, is responsible for our basic instincts: the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and… … … Fornication (my dark side REALLY wanted me to write something else there!)
The next level up is the emotional brain, this part (or collection of parts) is responsible for the emotions we attach to certain experiences; what feels good or bad, the urge to be social, taking care of others, etc.
Finally, the cortex. This part is nuts and as i’m writing this scientists don’t know a whole lot about it. What we do know is that it’s most abundant in humans, and it handles abstract concepts like ethics, problem solving, self awareness. This is the part that can jump ahead in time to predict different outcomes, draw conclusions from past experiences, or think ‘outside the box’.
What i’m getting at is that our brains are a beautiful mess, they’re made up of different parts pulling us in different directions. If you refuse to connect with your dark side, you are refusing a part of yourself. This can drastically reduce your confidence as an entrepreneur and in your personal life. For me it caused all kinds of problems like underselling my services, procrastinating important business decisions, imposter syndrome, not to mention the effect on my mersonal relationships.
If you want to do business in the 21st century, it’s essential to be authentically yourself as customers today can spot a phony a mile away.
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How to connect with your dark side
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What does this mean? Well, dear reader, it means that you have to go digging around in the dark corners of your mind and see what’s lurking in there. Again, i’m not suggesting that you go out and share your darkest fantasies with the world, although wouldn’t it be great if we were all free to do so? This is inner, personal work. You’re doing this for yourself. To really get to know yourself, so that you can accept yourself for who you are.
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1. Ask questions
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The first thing I did was to get curious, I would go out for a walk in the woods as I always find that fresh air and proximity to nature frees up my thoughts.
While walking I asked questions to dark-side Andrew; what’s bothering you at the moment?, Has anyone pissed you off this week?, what makes you angry?, what’s frustrating about life at the moment?, and listened to the responses. I didn’t always like the answers, but I listened with an open, curious mind, and tried not to pass judgement.
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2. Write it down
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After my walk I wrote down what stood out from the Q&A in my journal.
The simple act of first acknowledging these thoughts, then giving them a voice, even on paper was incredibly cathartic. I felt relaxed. Calm.
Then after re-reading my scrawled notes, I decided they would be better left unread (especially by my wife), so I destroyed the pages. The calm feeling remained, in fact it felt a little exciting: like when you make a new friend and share something intimate, me and my dark side sitting in a tree…
But honestly, Accepting that there is a darker part of me makes me feel braver and have more energy to invest in my business and personal growth.
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3. Walk with your Shadow
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The logical next step was to combine these two things. So went for my first Shadow-walk. I went somewhere I knew there would be very few people; the woods near my house in Stuttgart on a weekday afternoon. Apart from the birds, squirrels, occasional dog walker I would have the place to myself.
I started by asking myself those same questions. Only this time out loud. At first I felt a little uncomfortable, constantly looking around to see if anyone could overhear me. After just a minute or so of asking and answering questions to myself, it started to develop into a full-blown rant. Hand gestures, swearing- the lot! After a while I got lost in my ranting and raving and I didn’t even notice an old couple walking in my direction until they were a few meters away from me. I smiled politely and told them I was rehearsing for a play! Needless to say they quickly moved on.
What surprised me about this exercise was how much anger was bottled up in there, the kind of things that I was holding onto at a subconscious level. An important part here is acknowledging the feelings, accepting that they have a place. I do this by breathing deeply and reminding myself that it’s completely natural to have these feelings, it’s a part of being human.
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Whatever methods you choose, if you can learn to truly accept the unfavourable aspects of your personality, connect with your dark side, I’m sure you can move ahead in your business and personal life with greater confidence and build better, deeper and stronger relationships whether that’s with colleagues, clients, friends or romantic partners.
How do you connect with your dark side, or have otherwise learned to accept yourself (warts and all)? Let me know in the comments section.
