As I’m writing this I’m thinking about a Mexican standoff situation at the dinner table last Sunday. There’s only one piece of pizza left, a few people are eying it but no-one goes in for the kill. I’m just thinking about taking it when my friend cuts it in half! If I don’t intervene it’s going to keep being halved until we need a scalpel and a microscope to finish the job.
Is it selfish of me to want that slice? I’m still a bit hungry after all, but I’ll only take it if no-one else wants it. Madness I tell you!
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Selfish is a four-letter word
If you call someone selfish, you’re probably trying to insult them. Would you call yourself selfish? Egoistic? Egotistical? Doesn’t sound good, right? And here I am telling you there are not just one, but 10 reasons why being selfish is important for you.
Welcome to day one of a-hole academy! Just kidding, this article isn’t about empowering you to go out into the world with an attitude of “I come first and screw the rest of you”. No. the point is to develop your ability to feel comfortable in identifying what is important to you and making the necessary compromises to show up fully.
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So I have compiled a list of what I think are the 10 Reasons why being selfish is important for you.
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Is there such a thing as good selfishness?
A lot of self-help folks talk about good and bad selfishness. Bad selfishness being when you cold-heartedly go after on your own needs and show no empathy or understanding for other people’s feelings or point of view.
Good selfishness is then taking care of yourself so that you are in a good position to help others. Think about the in-flight safety information they give you before take off. They always tell you to make sure you have your own mask on before you help the old ladies and kids, right? Well this is the same principle.
But that’s too black and white for me, reality is never so simple. I like to look at it as a scale; on one side you have completely self-serving, on the other side you have complete selflessness. Both of these mindsets are unhealthy. Being completely self-serving is obviously not a good strategy for building good relationships, but then neither is being completely selfless.
It might sound counter-intuitive but constantly prioritising other people’s needs above your own is probably a big reason why you’re not living the life you want.
The trick is to find a balance. Let’s look at 10 reasons why being selfish is important for you, and see if we can tip the scale in the right direction.
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You’ll Have Better Relationships
Being selfless doesn’t make you a ‘good’ person. In fact, over time it actually hurts you, you will become resentful and end up withholding yourself from the relationship. If you rely on another person to fill your emotional needs, that relationship will be fragile. The strongest relationships are those where two people show up fully, are open and honest with each other, and are not afraid to express themselves. This is achieved by initially being more selfish.
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You’ll have more time for yourself
Human beings are social animals but also need time for themselves, and being selfless means you are so concerned about letting people down that you agree to things whether you want to do them or not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should never help people out; that can actually be beneficial and make you feel very good about yourself indeed. But you have to be selective.
When you start saying ‘no’, you will have more time for yourself; to focus on the things that are important to you, for relaxing, developing your skills, self-reflection and so on. Ultimately you will be in a better position to help people when you really do want to. Does that mean upsetting people sometimes? Yes it does, but you know what? They will get over it. And isn’t it selfish of them to ask you in the first place? 😉
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You’ll be happier
If you’re spending more time doing the things you really want to do, meeting your own needs, you will feel happier and more fulfilled. But there’s a catch; if you are focused on feeling guilty about being selfish, you won’t allow yourself to feel happy. To get past this you have to give yourself permission to be selfish.
Your needs matter and you know what? Other people want you to be happy, when you truly understand that, you will also understand that taking time for yourself to do the things that are important to you do doesn’t make you a bad person, and you will allow yourself to be happy.
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You’ll be better at making decisions
One of the traits of selfless behaviour is going along with what other people want so you don’t disappoint them. When you start being more selfish, asking yourself what you really want, you will stop making decisions based on other people’s needs.
Do this enough and it will become a habit; you will be better at identifying exactly what you need and making a conscious decision to get it.
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You’ll no longer be living on autopilot
Living on autopilot can vary from zoning out while watching reruns of Friends, to spending years of your life with no purpose other than getting through each day and making enough money to pay the bills and put food on the table.
When you are making a conscious effort to put your needs first, you’re automatically living more mindfully. You have to focus in order to identify your needs, if you start being more selfish today, you might even avoid having to ‘wake up’ one day feeling like you’ve missed out on life. If that’s where you’re at right now, welcome to the rest of your life, it’s time to get more selfish and carpe the crap out of that diem my friend.
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You’ll become more self-confident
Self-confidence doesn’t come overnight, I know that only too well, it’s like a muscle that needs to be exercised. Actively becoming more selfish means getting clear on what is important to you, finding skillful ways to stand up for yourself and meet those needs, and putting more value on yourself by reminding yourself that you’re worth it. If you’re in the habit of doing the opposite (ignoring and undermining your needs, backing down and giving in), it will take practice. But don’t get overwhelmed, start small and work your way up.
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You’ll get more respect
An essential part of being more selfish is setting boundaries. You have to know where you end and other people begin. That means opinions, emotions, and actions. Constantly being selfless will result in you becoming detached from yourself; basing your opinions on other people’s, taking responsibility for their emotions, and relying on others to make decisions for you. When you’re acting more selfishly, you’re always asking yourself what you want. You become more convicted in your opinions, more empathic, and more decisive in your actions. Which version do you think people respect more?
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You will be an inspiration
Do you want to be a positive example to others, a role model to your kids? Being more selfish is about understanding your needs, growing your confidence, standing your ground, having solid, honest relationships, and living up to your values.
As you do this, other people can’t help but take notice and be inspired by you to tune into their own needs and will even come to you for advice when they’re feeling unsure of themselves.
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You’ll take ownership of your problems
Giving to others and being generous can feel great, you know that feeling when you give someone a surprise gift; they’re really happy about it and you feel proud of yourself for being such a great partner/parent/friend. But constantly giving to others at the expense of your own needs (as I’ve already mentioned) is emotionally draining and will lead to resentment.
By being more selfish, you develop your self-awareness; you know what you need and you accept that, ultimately, you are responsible for meeting those needs. That also goes for problems, instead of blaming your circumstances or the other people in your life, you recognise that you are responsible for creating and solving your own problems.
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You’ll become more loving and generous.
An analogy I have come across quite a lot and that resonates with me personally is ‘the empty cup’. Think about your needs as a cup, if you don’t prioritise and ask for the things you need, you’re going around with an empty cup. Every relationship you go into, every interaction you go into, you do it with your empty cup. You do it from a place of lack, looking to other people to fulfill your needs. The word for that is ‘needy’. That is not desirable trait in a friend, lover, or parent.
By being more selfish, you are making sure that your needs are met, that your cup is full to the brim, it’s overflowing. And guess what, when you’ve got that much in your cup it’s no problem to share with others. You give to others but from a place of generosity instead of obligation or expecting something in return.
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How to flex your selfishness muscles
I hope I’ve provided some convincing arguments as to why being selfish is important for you.
But knowing that and practicing it are two different things, so you really have to start by asking yourself what you really want and how much you want it. Do this multiple times a day, in every possible situation.
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Slow down and listen to your feelings.
Is this what you truly want or are you just reacting to fear of displeasing someone?
Are you following old patterns?
What would you do if you knew there would be no consequences for anyone else?
Ask yourself these questions often enough and it will become second nature.
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I talked earlier about a ‘selfish scale’, well how do you know exactly where you are on the scale? When is it tipping too far to one side or the other? This can be difficult to gauge, especially if you are new to being more selfish.
I like to ask myself a couple of questions:
What do I want in this situation? What’s best for me?
How does this affect other people?
Is there a way that we can all meet our needs?
If not, what am I willing to compromise?
Have a discussion with the other people who are involved. Be open and listen to their side of things. And remember that the sign of a good, healthy relationship is when we are showing up fully, being open and honest, and are not afraid to express ourselves.
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What is your experience of being selfish? Have you been in a relationship with someone who was too selfish or too selfless? Let me know in the comments.
