Let me tell you a short story about a buddy of mine, we’ll call him Adam.

Adam and Eve are in a band, we can’t call it Genesis as that’s already taken so lets call it Origin, wait… Provenance…shit…OK I ran out of synonyms…it’s not that important! Anyway, Adam fell out with his bandmate, Eve.

A year ago, Adam was unhappy with the direction their music was taking. Eve was going through a rough time, she’d broken up with her girlfriend earlier that year and was having a hard time dealing with it, so he didn’t say anything.

A few months later he was asked by another band to join them on lead guitar but he turned them down because he felt guilty and didn’t want to let Eve down.

The other band went on to be pretty successful, which pissed Adam off. He started cancelling rehearsals, stopped putting in effort and creating new material. When Eve asked him what the hell was going on he said “nothing. I’m fine”, when she asked him if he wanted to stop making music with her he said “no, I like our music”. But nothing changed.

Eventually Eve got so frustrated with Adam, she left him behind to join another band anyway.

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Can you spot any of the following beliefs in Adam’s story?

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1. They’ll never forgive me

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One of the biggest obstacles that stopped Adam getting what he really wanted is being afraid of hurting other people. He thinks that if he asserts himself or is too direct, a conflict will arise and destroy the relationship.

Well, a conflict may arise. The other person may well be pissed off. But it won’t last forever.

Humans operate with a whole range of emotions, they serve us in different ways. What’s funny about emotions is that they are fleeting and, given time, they change and are forgotten.

It’s a mistake to see emotions as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ anyway, they’re not and we shouldn’t be avoiding any of them. Sure, anger, fear, pain & co. are uncomfortable but you can learn to experience them as an observer instead of getting sucked into them.

I’m not saying you should go full Spock and suppress your emotions. Bottling emotions is one of the least healthy things you can do. I should know. But learning to live with them as your guide in making decisions, to pull you forward instead of push you away, is one of the most valuable life-skills you can get.

So, emotions will pass, you will be forgiven, and if the person in question decides to hold a grudge and cling to their anger or upset like a security blanket, that is not your responsibility, so let it go.

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2. They can’t handle the truth

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In a similar way, being afraid of hurting Eve also blinded Adam to something that is otherwise glaringly obvious. He was operating under the false assumption that he is an all-powerful, god-like being; capable of destroying another person’s soul with only his words.

Again, it’s nonsense. Healthy human beings are an incredibly resilient bunch. I mean, people have survived POW camps, massacres, Justin Bieber concerts.

As a species we are survival experts; relentless in our desire to survive against all odds.

People can handle the worst conditions imaginable, so you telling them the truth, asking for more money, ending the relationship, telling them they have spinach in their teeth, whatever the truth may be, will not destroy them. You’ll actually be doing them a favour.

In fact, when you think about it, it’s kind of disrespectful to think about them in that way: incapable of handling criticism or upset.

So show them some respect, let go of the belief that they are somehow fragile and let the truth out no matter how harsh you think it might be.

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3. It’s not their fault

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When Adam approached the relationship in this way, he was also (in his mind) denying Eve the opportunity to take responsibility for her own life.

We’re all fundamentally responsible for our own lives, our own destinies. We can achieve anything we set our minds to, history is littered with examples, and all the self-help gurus in the world can’t be wrong!

Of course the majority of people never realise this and choose to live with a victim mentality. Their circumstances define who they are and how they spend their one and only life on this earth.

You’re reading an article in the self-help niche so I’m guessing you’re either not in this category or you’re at least starting to figure that out, so I won’t go on and on about it in great detail now.

But even if you are fully aware that you are solely responsible for your own life and destiny, you may still be guilty of not crediting others with that same responsibility.

If you treat others with kid gloves; going out of your way not to offend or upset them, you are doing exactly that.

So let go of the belief that people are victims and not responsible for their own circumstances. Stop denying that they have that power.

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4. A little white lie never hurt anyone

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When Adam avoided telling Eve about the other band, or that he was unhappy, he was avoiding telling the truth. Of course, he wasn’t doing this out of malice but a fear that speaking the truth would upset Eve and create conflict.

“if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”

countless well-meaning parents throughout history

Honesty is vital to a healthy relationship. If you consistently tell white lies in an attempt to keep the other person safe, you will alienate them. For a relationship to prosper, all parties need to be engaged and connected.

Lying, even little lies, will limit the potential for your relationships to grow. Being honest makes you vulnerable, and we are naturally attracted to vulnerability.

The other side of this is: do you really want to be in a relationship (any kind of relationship) with someone who doesn’t really know you?

By lying you’re also doing yourself a disservice by not letting people get to know the real you and forming lasting, healthy relationships with people who like that person.

So let go of the belief that you can protect people by lying to them. Start sharing the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth…today.

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The moral of the story

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What we have really seen here are five very good reasons why you should be speaking up for yourself.

It’s not healthy to keep things to yourself; bottling up feelings and thoughts can have long-term negative effects, causing resentment and anxiety. This, in turn, is also harmful to your relationships.

You won’t hurt anyone permanently by standing up for yourself and being direct. They will get over any hurt or upset they experience in the moment of conflict.

You won’t destroy anyone by asserting yourself. People are strong and resilient, they can handle you being your badass-self.

You will disrespect people by not letting them own their circumstances. People are responsible for their own lives and standing up for themselves.

You won’t build solid relationships on a foundation of dishonesty. Telling lies (even little white ones) prevents people from getting to know the real you.

What beliefs have you let go of that helped you to show up better in your own life? Let me know in the comments.