I used to have real difficulty saying no to people. So often I would end up overcommitted and it stressed me out. I knew I didn’t really want to say ‘yes’ but I was scared of offending them or of letting them down.

My internal monologue would say to me: “what’s wrong with you?”, “You’re so selfish”, “they’ll be crushed if you say no”. This would lead to me procrastinating giving an answer and making up excuses. The other problem with this is the other person might continue to ask or suggest an alternative, at which point I’d feel even more shame as the cycle just continues.

In short, I was a ‘yes man’.

Does this sound like you, if so read on as I’m going to share with you:

some reasons why you should say ‘no’ more often

some common reasons why we struggle to say ‘no’

and 5 tips to say ‘no’ like a pro.

Why you should say no more often

There are many reasons why saying no is good for you and your relationships with others:

• You set boundaries and become clear about each other’s expectations
• You get better at identifying the things that you really want to do
• You get to spend time on those things that you really want to do
• You get better at prioritizing and managing your time
• You will enjoy interactions more when you don’t feel the pressure of responsibility for other people
• You shed the layers of guilt and show up more authentically 

Why we find it hard to say no and why it’s just not true

FOMO

Fear of missing out. It’s labelled as a modern phenomenon but I think it’s something that’s always been with us. We’re concerned that by turning down an opportunity that we’re missing something. 

Why it’s not true

It doesn’t mean missing out, in fact by saying yes to everything you are missing out on things that you really want to do. This is often difficult if you spent a long time being ‘good’, you spend so much time focussing on what other people want, you lose touch with what you actually want yourself.

So next time someone asks you to do something, try this: ask yourself “do I REALLY want to do this?”

If the answer is “no”, or “I’m not sure”, then don’t do it, say ‘no’ to everything that is not a definite yes. This is a bit extreme but doing this over a period of time will get you better attuned to what you actually want to do.

Fear of conflict

We are naturally afraid that by turning someone down we will create an enemy, most of us want to be perceived as caring, helpful, a good person.

Why it’s not true

Saying no will not make people hate you, they won’t suddenly want to slug you or hatch a plot to destroy your life. (If they do, is that really who you want to have in your life anyway?!) It’s about asserting yourself and setting boundaries.

What most ‘nice’ people don’t realise is that by saying ‘yes’ all the time because you’re afraid of conflict, not asserting yourself, people just assume that we’re fine with it (and why wouldn’t they? We never said anything to make them think otherwise!).

Here’s something you can try: next time you say ‘no’ to someone, ask them how they feel about you saying no. This will probably take them by surprise at first, but it shows empathy towards them and they will recognise this. In most cases, they will be absolutely fine with you. And if not, it opens up a dialogue to look at the relationship more closely and work on strengthening it. 

Fear of offending others

Similarly we assume that by saying no to people we will hurt them, cause them to feel rejected or offended.

Why it’s not true

People are not fragile and easily broken, they can handle you saying no to them. Sure, if you do it too often they may feel rejected but then maybe there are other aspects of the relationship that you need to take a look at. If you’re regularly asking yourself “do I really want to do this?” and being completely honest, and then saying no very often, then perhaps you have to reexamine this relationship and decide if this is really something you want to be a part of, or if perhaps it’s time to move on.

5 tips to say ‘no’ like a pro

We’re aiming for two things here; effectiveness and tact. I’ve done some digging, experimenting and come up with these 5 tips to say ‘no’ like a pro:

1. Be direct: don’t beat about the bush

By this point you already know that you want to say ‘no’, so do it. Say it firmly and promptly. The longer you put it off the more complicetd it gets. Now you’re not only looking for an excuse to say no, but also for an excuse as to why it took you so long to respond! The other thing is that you’re leaving the other person hanging. It’s much better for them to know straight away so that they can make other plans. 

Don’t say: “I’ll have to check in my calendar. Let me get back to you”

Instead, say: “Thanks for the invitation, I already have plans. Let me know next time”

2. Don’t apologise or explain yourself

Apologies are overused, we say sorry when we’re really not sorry. You apologise because you feel that you’ve done something wrong. But you haven’t, you being assertive and telling someone ‘no’ is not wrong, so there’s no need to feel guilty.

This is difficult, but when you truly understand that there is nothing to feel guilty for, that you have no responsibility for other people it gets much easier. If it’s something that you regret but just have other priorities right now, you can add a sense of regret just by the intonation you use in your voice. No need to apologise.

Don’t say: “I’m so sorry, I can’t do that right now”

Instead, say: “That sounds great, but I can’t do it right now”

3. Offer them an alternative

Sometimes you do need to explain yourself, and here’s where that fear of offending others really comes into play. The thing is, you’re not giving an excuse, excuses are not authentic (at least that’s not how we perceive them).

Stating your preference and reasons for it is authentic. Most often we don’t want to say yes because it’s the activity that we don’t want to do not the person. So when you’re saying ‘no’ make it about you, not them. Tell them it’s something you don’t want to do, but offer an alternative, something that you would both enjoy to do together.

Don’t say: “No I don’t want to do that with you”

Instead, say: “I don’t really enjoy that but I’d love to do something else with you. How about…?”

4. Show some gratitude

Saying no makes us feel uncomfortable. But it doesn’t have to. It can actually be an opportunity to connect even more closely to the other person. Instead of getting defensive because you are afraid of hurting the other person, you allow yourself to feel grateful that you are in demand. When you feel gratitude this will come across in your voice and facial expressions and the other person, unless they’re completely devoid of empathy, will notice.

Don’t say: “No, I can’t. I don’t have time”

Instead, say: “Thank you so much for the offer, it sounds great but I can’t right now I just have too many commitments”

5. Don’t be afraid to be selfish

If you associate being selfish as being bad, you will feel guilty for saying no. Guilt is a difficult emotion to deal with; we feel guilty when we are breaking some internal rule that we have told ourselves. In this case it might be “I shouldn’t let people down” or “I should always be there for people”, or something like that.

These rules are not healthy, they cause us to feel guilty about otherwise straightforward things like prioritising our own needs. This is a longer game and requires a lot of work to rewrite these rules, but here’s how you can start:

Don’t say: “I’m so sorry I can’t help you”

Instead, say: “I can’t help you, I’m just not in a position to do that right now”

These tips will definitely set you on the way to saying no with more confidence and all of the benefits that can bring. Of course, if you are used to saying yes to everything, putting other people first and not questioning what you really want to do, then this will not be easy. It is a long game, but the absolute best thing you can do is get started right now.