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If you’ve landed on this article because you were somehow enticed by the title then there’s a good chance that at least one of the following statements describes you:

You often find yourself in superficial conversations
You’re reluctant to share anything about your ‘feelings’ or ‘emotions’
You tend not to take risks because you don’t want to ‘rock the boat’
You’re a nice person
You can’t stand it when you get the feeling that someone doesn’t like you
You apologise a lot, apologising has become habitual for you, you say it without even thinking

If you read through this list and even one of those points resonated with you, then you my friend, are most likely having trouble being vulnerable.

I get it, I’ve been there. I lived most of my life terrified of being disliked, trying to make everyone like me, hiding faults, not owning up to mistakes for fear of the repercussions.

“You should be nice to everyone”, “you should be funny and charming”, “you should play it safe”, “should, should, should, should, should…”

I call this voice the ‘Shouldenator’, and nowadays he speaks to me with a comical Austrian accent (I’m heavily influenced by 80s action movies, what can I say?)

This is one technique I’ve used to stop taking this voice so seriously and start living with more vulnerability (more on that later).

The truth is that not letting yourself be vulnerable by bottling up emotions and not asking for what you truly want is just the way you learned to deal with life from whoever raised you.

I want never gets
Wilko’s parents

I grew up with this phrase, my parents, bless them, were trying to teach me to ask more politely for things, but this phrase lodged in my subconscious as ‘if you’re honest about what you want, you won’t get it”. Sounds Effed up but I guess that’s just how your child-mind works.

And unfortunately, this mindset has a side-effect. It leaves you isolated and alone; connecting with others, really connecting, requires honesty about your desires and expectations, and to be truly honest you need to be…(drum roll)… vulnerable.

What does it mean to be vulnerable?

When we think of being vulnerable, we tend to associate it with being unprotected and at risk. Sounds like something you definitely want to avoid, right?

Well, it’s certainly not easy; you don’t want to show how you really feel when there’s no guarantee how the other person will react. You think that your needs are extreme, asking too much from the other person, you don’t want them to think you’re unreasonable or selfish. (Although being a little selfish is not always a bad thing)

But being vulnerable means making the conscious decision to be open and honest, expressing what you want and what you feel, unfiltered and unadulterated. Irrespective of what others might think of you. Irrespective of what The Shouldenator has to say! –

Whatever that looks like for you; it could be sharing your opinions, humour, art, music, but also admitting your faults, mistakes and failures.

And it also means being willing to accept the consequences and deal with whatever tough emotions come up in the process

A lot of people confuse being vulnerable with being needy, but they are NOT the same thing.

What does it mean to be needy?

That being said, being needy is similar to being vulnerable with one significant difference.

It’s the difference in your intention. If you’re being open and honest about your thoughts and feelings because you genuinely want to share yourself with the world irrespective of the consequences as I mentioned before, you’re being vulnerable.

If your doing that because you think it will make someone like you, because you want to get someone’s approval, or because you think it will get you what you want, or sell more albums, or products, or get more likes on social media, that’s being needy. In fact, it can be more than needy; it can be downright manipulative- one step away from full on sociopath!

Some people don’t like you

How does that sound to you? Does it make you cringe? Want to stick your fingers in your ears and sing “la,la,la”? How about this, some people will never like you.

As I’m writing this there are 7,790,788,650 human beings gracing this giant ball of rock you call home. If you have 1000 followers on social media, that’s 0.00001% of the world population, Wembly stadium has a capacity of 90,000, and even that’s only 0.001%.

Each of these people has their own perspective, opinions, world view. You can’t control whether people like you or not, and it’s a waste of energy to try. One thing is for sure, you will have better relationships with people who like you for who you really are.

So when you look at it like this you see that being vulnerable can actually prevent neediness– in order to be vulnerable you have to own up to your faults. This means accepting yourself, and if you really accept yourself, you don‘t need approval from others.

The vulnerability test

Here are some examples, see if you can spot the vulnerability:

Telling a funny story because you think it’s funny or telling a funny story because you want people to think you’re funny

Writing a blog post because you genuinely want to help people or writing a blog post because you want people to see how deep and thoughtful you are 😮

Telling someone they’re attractive because it’s true and you think they need to hear it or telling someone they’re attractive because you want to sleep with them.

Picking a guitar because you like the way it plays or picking a guitar because people will think you look cool as fuck on stage.

You get the idea.

How to become better at being vulnerable

Being vulnerable requires you to reveal yourself. That is hard. It’s contrary to our innate survival skills. It’s uncomfortable. Learning it is a difficult process. It involves stepping out of your comfort zone. It takes a lot of practice.

But the result will be a more connected and powerful version of you.

Here are some steps to get you started being more vulnerable:

1. Call someone out on their bullshit

This first one is tough, especially if you’ve grown up with ‘banter’; effectively a socially acceptable form of mocking and bullying. But next time someone crosses the line and you feel offended, don’t just suck it up, let them know about it.

2. Own your own shit

Next time you make a mistake, admit it. Hold up your hands and say “my bad”. Take responsibility for your mistake and do what you can to fix it rather than blaming someone else, the circumstances, or just ignoring it and hoping no-one will notice.

3. Pick something you’re not good at and tell somebody

Share it with social media, or write a blog post about it. It’s not easy but just acknowledging your flaws will make people respect you more for being humble.

4. Ask for advice

Being open to receiving help is an incredibly powerful thing. Combined with admitting and accepting your flaws, this inevitably involves owning your shit and taking responsibility for it. So when you identify something you suck at, or if you’re stuck in a rut, ask someone to help you.

5. Tell someone you respect them

This could be a friend, colleague, family member, anyone really. You could acknowledge something they’ve achieved, or thank them for something they did for you, directly or indirectly. Doing this in front of others adds another level of vulnerability to the mix.

6. Tell someone you love them (and why!)

Opening up to someone on this level might be the ultimate in being vulnerable. You’re leaving yourself open to rejection. Adding why you love that person makes the experience all the more emotionally involved and even more fear-inducing.

One of the things I have always prided myself on is my independence and adaptability, being able to drop everything and change my situation without relying on others for support. Whether it’s bouncing back from failed relationships, changing jobs or emigrating to another country. What I realised is that, far from independence, this was coming from a place of fear and reluctance to face those fears and here’s what that taught me:

Stepping up and learning to be more vulnerable, risking it all blowing up in your face and the pain from rejection might be the bravest thing you will ever do.

Do you have any other tips about making yourself vulnerable? If you do I’d love to hear from you.