How would you react in this situation?

Your friend tells you that this afternoon, his boss called him into his office and told him he had to let him go.

a) “That’s nothing compared to my day…”

b) “Well, screw it, you were too good for that place anyway!”

c) “That sucks, man. How do you feel about it?”

Tip: Only one of these answers is empathetic!

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Today I want to try and answer the question: ‘can you feel empathy if you’re not in tune with your own emotions?’

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What is(n’t) empathy?

Let’s get one thing straight; being empathetic does not mean that you ‘feel sorry’ for someone. That my friend, is called sympathy or, at its extreme, even pity.

I’ve been mixing these things up for most of my life. What made it clear to me was thinking about psychopaths. Most people think that psychos don’t have empathy, but I don’t think that’s true, they know what their victims are feeling, they just don’t give a shit; they have no sympathy.

Empathy is a whole different kettle of fish.

In his book ‘ Working with Emotional Intelligence’, Daniel Goleman describes it as “awareness of others’ feelings, needs and concerns.”

So in essence, empathy seems to require you to use your imagination to put yourself in other people’s shoes, get in tune to what they are feeling, and see things from their perspective.

That sounds pretty straightforward, but understanding this concept doesn’t necessarily make you empathetic. Empathy is something you have to practice and practice takes time and effort, so why on earth should you invest your precious time in developing empathy skills?

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Why empathy is such an important skill

Having empathy skills helps you to understand people. And after all, isn’t that what everyone wants, to feel understood and really listened to? So, having empathy is clearly good for building social connections.

Empathy also helps you to better understand people’s needs and how you can show up for them better in the relationship (whatever that relationship is).

If you work in a team, understanding your teammates’ perspectives will build trust and more effective teamwork.

If you’re a leader, being empathetic will help you to understand what makes your minions tick and apply the right strategies to get them working efficiently.

If you’re marketer, empathy is essential in understanding your market’s thoughts and fears and identifying the right solution to their problems.

The list goes on…

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So lets get back to the question at hand: can you feel empathy if you’re not in tune with your own emotions?

Well, I’m sorry to tell you the answer isn’t a simple yes or no. The real relationship is a lot more complex than that.

On the one hand, if you are unable to clearly recognise and label your own emotions, it seems obvious that it will be extremely difficult to recognise and label what others are feeling.

In fact, one theory as to how we empathise, Simulation Theory, is that when we observe someone experiencing an emotion, we ‘simulate’ that emotion in ourselves.

So with this ‘method acting’ approach to empathy, how can you pretend to feel something if you have no frame of reference?

On the other hand, being truly empathetic also means placing a barrier between your own feelings and the feelings of others. I know that sounds like the opposite of empathy but hear me out.

There is another theory, a branch of ‘Theory of mind’, that says true empathy requires you to understand, on an intellectual level, what people are feeling based on your own set of internal rules as to what people should feel in certain situations.

And if you think about it, there is a difference between recognising other peoples emotions and taking those emotions on as your own. Recognising and acknowledging their feelings; whether it’s joy, pain, sadness, anger, whatever; can help you to help them.

Experiencing those emotions yourself; becoming angry, sad, etc; is actually unhelpful as it won’t allow you to really listen to the other person and imagine yourself in their position.

So in a strange way, being detached from your own feelings can make you more open to empathy.

One last thing to think about; empathising with others does help you to get closer to your own emotions. The more you practice empathy and try to understand what others are feeling, the more you engage with them; getting curious and asking questions, the better you will get at identifying your own feelings and emotions.

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Does that answer your question? Let me summarise.

So, while being empathetic requires you to develop a certain level of self-awareness, you also need to have the ability to create boundaries, drawing a clear distinction between yourself and others.

Empathy is a soft skill, but the key word here is skill not soft, and like any skill; you can learn it and you can get better at it if you practice.

In what ways have you experienced empathy? Let me know in the comments.